ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
