she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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