I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
