I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
