All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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