i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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