I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
