I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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