it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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