Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
