I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
