dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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