Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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