I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
