I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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