Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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