Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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