I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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