go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
