Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
