I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
