Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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