You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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