after a month anything with tits is on the radar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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