So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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