im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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