my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
