god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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