I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
