got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
