my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
