Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
