I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
