i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
