what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
