I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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