The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
