you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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