That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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