I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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