Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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