i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
