I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
