I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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