just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
