my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
