so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
my liver is dry heaving
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
