Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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