Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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