Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
