I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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