just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
